Update 6/23/20 - A version of this piece was published on NBC News Think. Check it out HERE!
I am not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time. In the wake of the Floyd protests, many of my dearest white friends have asked if I’m doing okay. With some of you, I’ve said yes, I’m okay. Honestly, I feel I have no choice but to tell you this. It’s not a lie, but it’s also not the truth.
I’ve been here before. I feel unseen, misunderstood, angry as hell and tired as fuck. I’m absolutely exhausted. Tired of trying to convince white folks in my life that this is not new. I’m sick of the looks my colleagues and “friends” give me when I say it’s been worse since Trump. You have no idea.
In the last few years, I’ve seen more confederate flags in town and on campus at the high school where I work. I’ve heard the n-word said more in the last three years in the classroom, on social media, and directed at me, or at the few black students I’ve had the pleasure to teach.
So, to answer your question, I’m not doing okay.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see so many folks standing up, protesting, and posting on social media for change. And change IS happening. But, I’m continually disheartened when I have to block a member of my extended family, or a former student when they insist on posting their ignorant white privilege all over social media.
You don’t get it? Fine.
You feel attacked? Fine.
You feel guilty? Good.
You think all lives matter?
You have no idea…
...how many times I’ve been called the n-word. From 3rd - 5th grade, it was literally every single day.
...how many times I’ve been pulled over by the cops. In the first two years, I had my driver’s license, I was pulled over at least six times. I lived in a town about the size of Fort Bragg, CA in the Central Valley. No one else in my class can remember being pulled over. I was one of two black kids in my class. My favorite moments were when a CHP passed me going the opposite direction, saw me, and turned around to follow me and eventually turn on his sirens. This happened so many times.
...how many times I’ve been followed through a store. Growing up, I worked for my money. On the weekends I’d go to a local shop to buy candy, or to play arcade games. It didn’t matter how much money I spent, or how often I frequented the shop, certain owners/workers would follow me to make sure I wasn’t going to steal something. I had white friends. They only followed me.
...how many times I’ve “fit the profile” of someone the cops were looking for. This story is always at the forefront of my mind when black lives matter is in the news again. I stopped north of LA when I was 19 on the way to visit my girlfriend’s dad in Burbank. We were tired, so we stopped to see a movie at a multiplex off the freeway. Before the movie started, we stopped off at the bathroom. When I came out, there were two cops waiting for me. They asked for my ID. At first, I resisted. I was angry. I was innocent. When I asked why, they insisted I fit the profile of someone they were looking for and they needed to see my ID to be sure.
I was furious. After they realized their mistake, thankfully, they let me go. I didn’t let it go. I haven’t let it go. I will never let it go. We didn’t see the movie that day. We drove, mostly in silence to Burbank. There was nothing my white girlfriend could do except let me seethe.
So, over 20 years later, and over a decade of teaching high school and living in a small rural town, I still face racism every day. Every time I leave the house. It can be blatant. The n-word in my direction from a student. I’ve been threatened so many times online, my house has been egged/TP’d several times since I’ve been a teacher.
It can be a bit more subtle as well, but I know what to look for. I know how I feel when it happens. A parent finding any little reason to throw me under the bus. A customer that can’t look at me, or stiffs me when my customer service was the best they’ve ever had. I’ve had customers in the restaurant industry leave, or move sections when they realized who their server was going to be. I’ve been insulted to my face for saying: “Hi, how are you doing today?”
I could go on. I’ve dealt with so much more.
I’m still angry as hell when I see yet another innocent black man killed by the cops. Another innocent trans person of color. Another minority further marginalized, killed, or ignored.
So please understand that when you’re white and you just HAVE to insist that all lives matter, know that we’re not stupid. We know what that really means. You’re making this about you. Again. You could be quiet and no one would care. You insisting that somehow you’re under attack when folks in the movement are holding signs, or posting online that black lives matter. Centuries of oppression and inequality protested against has put us here yet again in 2020. During a pandemic, people are marching. Enough is enough. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I know I likely will my entire life.
I thank every single person who’s reached out to me to ask how I’m doing. I appreciate every student I’ve taught as they continue to post online and stand up to the kids in their class that insist this is about them and their ignorance. Show them what you’ve taken the time to learn. Show them science is real. Show them the Earth is round. Show them that as you get older, you’re willing to stand up to your ignorant peers and teach your future children to see color because that is still the root of injustice in the world. Keep reaching out to ask what difference you can make and please keep asking the hard questions.
My plan is to keep creating podcasts. I will never stop writing about race in my fiction. I plan to keep teaching. I will continue to coach. I will never stop learning and never stop helping those around me. I will never stop supporting my students of color and will continue to hold space for the LBGTQ+ community on campus. I will raise my kids to have compassion towards all people everywhere.
The only thing I ask of you is that you continue to protest. Continue to challenge yourself and your friends when you realize you have privilege. Use that privilege to make our community and this world a better place.
Thanks again for asking how I’m doing, but right now, I am not okay and I’m not sure I ever will be.
#amwriting #justkeepwriting #blacklivesmatter